When you’re visiting someone who is very sick, it’s hard
to know what to say. For example, suppose that it has been three weeks since Sarah,
your best friend since college, found a lump on her breast. The days since have
been a maelstrom of medical appointments, tests, and tearful phone calls. Yesterday’s
call brought the grim news: metastasized breast cancer. Sarah’s chances
of survival are tenuous. And now, as you huddle miserably in a hotel room in the
city where Sarah is hospitalized, you can’t seem to move. You’re supposed
to be visiting her now, but you have no idea what you’ll say.
If you can relate to this scenario, you’re not alone. Few prospects
are more daunting than facing a loved one who has just received terrible news.
Finding out a friend or family member has a life-threatening illness
can knock you off your foundations. It brings all sorts of intense issues—death,
dying, loss, love, and spirituality—to the surface. Many people have no
idea what to do with the powerful emotions that well up. No wonder we don’t
know how to be there for a loved one. We really don’t know how to be there
for ourselves.
When you’re in this situation, remember two principles: First,
no doctor knows how long any patient will live. They just don’t. Patients
defy the odds every day, and miracle healings occur. This knowledge will give
you hope. Second, realize that you can choose to work through your fear and share
pure, unconditional love with your loved one. Giving this gift enriches her life
and your own as well.
Here are some more tips for being with a seriously ill person:
• Realize that intention is everything. To a great extent,
you create your own reality. If your intention is to help your friend laugh, feel
good, and enjoy her life while you are with her, then clearly state that intention.
Hold that intention throughout the visit.
• Make sure you are in a place of peace before you visit. You
can’t help your loved one if you don’t take care of yourself first.
You can’t be a healing influence if you haven’t healed yourself. Get
in touch with how you’re feeling before you visit. If you don’t feel
calm, peaceful, and centered, take 15 minutes to quiet yourself before you leave.
Healing works best when you are connected to your own source.
• Stop worrying about what you might say. Come from a place
of love, and the words won’t matter. Don’t obsess over saying the
right thing. Frankly, it doesn't matter what you say, as long as you say it from
a place of love. Say anything that works for you, as long as it feels good. Focus
on your love for the person. Let that love fill your heart and overflow into the
room. Deliberately send your love to the person. Believe me, he or she will feel
it. You don’t need to go in with a script, but you may need some icebreakers.
Here are a few hints: Keep it real. Don’t say something you don’t
really believe, like, “I know you will beat this disease.” Instead,
you might say, “Whatever happens, things will work out.” You can say
this in good conscience if you believe in an afterlife or a master plan. Even
if death is imminent, you feel confident that your loved one is headed for a better
place. Simple phrases like “It’s good to see you,” or “I’ve
missed you,” are fine. If you’re at a loss for words, say so: “Bill,
I don’t know what to say or do, but I am here and I care about you.”
• Help the person connect with her own intention. If you are
visiting a very sick friend and she unleashes a flood of anxiety and worry and
pain, listen quietly. Don’t try to silence her. But after she has had her
say, ask her, “What is your intention? What do you want to achieve now?”
She may say something like, “To get well” or “To enjoy the time
I left” or “To have one more Christmas with my family.” Whatever
she says, gently point out to her that it feels better to focus on her intention,
rather than on her condition.
• Use the healing power of laughter, smiles, and "feel
good" feelings. You might share anecdotes and stories you have collected
to bring a smile or two to your friend or family member. Seed your conversation
with appropriately funny stories and jokes. The more you share of whatever feels
good, the more distraction you create, the more endorphins you help your loved
ones release, and the better they feel. Ask about how other family members are
doing or what activities the kids are involved in.
• Chatter is overrated—It is okay to be present without
saying a word. You don’t have to fill every moment of your visit with conversation.
Just be present. You are present when you touch someone on the hand or the shoulder
or the face. You are present when you just sit quietly beside her. Focus on filling
up with love. If you have an intention to come from a place of love, the person
will feel your love. We give and receive love on a soul level.
• Breathe. When I am sitting quietly with a patient, I use
my breath to help calm him. I take long, deep breaths that slow my body down and
allow me to shift my energy. I allow my breath to be audible enough that he can
hear it. The result is that my breath connects with his. By establishing this
connection, I am better able to send love and healing energy to him naturally.
• Listen to your intuition—it will tell you how to help
your loved one feel better. Quieting yourself not only helps you get calm and
centered, it also helps you tap into your intuition. Intuition means listening
to your higher self and tapping into your soul’s wisdom to know what other
people need at the moment. If you maintain a peaceful state during your visit,
you will know intuitively what to say and do to make your loved one smile, laugh,
or feel hopeful.
Even though seeing a loved one sick or near death is gut-wrenching,
it’s a catalyst for spiritual growth—if you allow it to be. Being
there for someone who is sick yields life lessons you can’t get any other
way. It’s not easy to see sickness and suffering as a blessing. But when
you approach every experience with the intention of learning and loving, you can
transform it into one. Surrender, and pay attention. Even if you ultimately lose
your loved one, don’t lose the lesson. PE
