The ultimate spiritual challenge may be to forgive. But years of
talking with struggling souls has convinced me that there is one person whom many
of us have particularly great difficulty forgiving—that person is oneself.
You may make a serious mistake, perhaps deeply hurting someone you
love, then replaying the event with a negative narration. “You terrible
person, you sinner, you worthless bum. How could you do that? What is wrong with
you?” People will even condemn themselves to hell, thinking their failings
to be beyond even the forgiveness of God.
To forgive yourself is not to make excuses for yourself. You want
to learn from your mistakes, to self-control, to grow in your capacity for love
and peace. Not forgiving yourself makes these goals harder to reach, since the
past remains powerful and unchanging.
So how can you release yourself from the powerful grip of your own
mistakes? Here are three suggestions:
1. Learn how to make amends. This involves more than a simple “I’m sorry.” It involves listening to another person’s hurt and taking
corrective action. You might ask for forgiveness strictly to feel better, without
considering how this affects the other person. If your disclosure might harm the
other person, find an indirect way of making amends, if only by praying for the
person.
2. Think how you might respond to someone else guilty of the same
mistake. Would you berate that person to the extent that you berate yourself?
I’ve dealt with many priests who condemn themselves for mistakes. I ask
them, “Father, if someone confesses to that sin, do you tell them the same
things you tell yourself? Call them the same names?” Without exception,
each priest says “Absolutely not!” So why are your sins worse than
everybody else’s? Think of how you would respond to someone you love if
you learned he or she was treating himself or herself in the way you treat yourself.
3. Confess your wrongdoing. This may occur through a process of amends-making, within the context of a religious ritual, or with the help of a church leader.
Or you may simply share your failing with a trusted adviser, such as a therapist,
spiritual director, or friend. Confession helps release that about which you are
ashamed.
Practice loving yourself. We hear lots about loving our neighbor
but forget that we first need to love ourselves. Evaluate how you treat yourself
in body, mind, emotions, and spirit. How loving is that treatment? PE
