Are bullies victimizing you at work or home? Do bosses, colleagues,
employees, or family members make you miserable, and no matter what you do, they
keep on treating you like dirt?
The way you feel at home and on the job is critical for your health
and happiness. A big chunk of your waking hours are spent at work. If you are
being bullied, it can make you sick. So, schools and workplaces are eagerly adopting
anti-bullying programs and policies. It seems that we all feel justified blaming
others—especially our “power hungry” bosses—for our suffering.
If “bullies” are the problem, then it is they, not us, who
must change—or so we think.
Anti-bully policies don’t work very well. Despite society’s
massive efforts to eradicate bullying, people are as miserable as ever, and bullying
is skyrocketing. Why? As Abraham Lincoln said: “You can’t strengthen
the weak by weakening the strong.” Yet that is what we are trying to
do: strengthen victims by taking power away from bullies.
Society can’t get rid of bullying so easily. We are socially
programmed to seek power. Every social group establishes a pecking order, and
the instinct is to strive for the top and avoid the bottom. Normal people with
power don’t willingly give away their power or let others take power away
from them. Instead, they fight back. And if they already have greater power, they
are likely to win.
I have good news and bad news. First, the problem is not bullies—it
is you. Second, the solution is easier than you think. With a simple change in
attitude, you can turn your bullies into buddies.
You probably don’t like hearing that you are the problem. It’s
much easier to blame bullies. But if “bullies” are the problem and
your happiness depends on them changing, you will go to your grave feeling like
a victim. The catch is that few people think of themselves as bullies. The bully
is almost always the other person. And you will never solve your problems by expecting
someone else to change.
The people you label bullies aren’t only bullies.
To some people, they are buddies. Stop thinking that bullies are responsible for
your misery and that you are powerless to stop them on your own. It may be obvious
to you that your bullies are treating you like an enemy. But you may
be treating them like enemies! If you want to turn them into friends, you have
to treat them like friends. Can I get you to be my friend if I treat
you like an enemy? Of course not! The only way I can get you to be my friend is
to treat you like a friend.
Eight Rules
Easier said than done? Not if you know eight simple rules for turning
just about anyone from an enemy into a friend, from a bully into a buddy:
Rule 1: Refuse to give people the power to get you angry. Anger is
the emotional drive to defeat an enemy. So if I am angry at you, I am treating
you like an enemy. And you will treat me back like an enemy.
Rule 2: Treat everything people tell you as the words of your best
friend. No matter how nasty, insulting, or angry you are, I will tell myself that
the only reason you are talking to me like this is because you love me, care about
me, and are trying to help me. It doesn’t mean I have to believe or do everything
you tell me, but at least I will be grateful to you for taking the time and effort
to let me know what you think.
Rule 3: Do not be afraid of people. We fear enemies, not friends.
If I fear you, I am treating you like my enemy, and you will treat me back like
an enemy. Secondly, if I am afraid of you, I put you in the stronger position
and I automatically lose.
Rule 4: Do not defend yourself. By definition, we defend ourselves
from enemies. So if I defend myself from you, I am treating you like an enemy.
Secondly, the defensive position is the weaker one, so I automatically lose.
Rule 5: Do not attack. We attack enemies, not friends. Even if you
attack me first, I will not retaliate.
Rule 6: If someone hurts you, show pain, not anger. Anger is a biological response to pain or fear of pain. So let’s say you hurt me, and now I am
angry at you. What feeling am I showing you? Anger. And what will you feel toward
me? Anger back! Do I want you be angry with me if you hurt me? Of course not.
I want you to feel sorry. So if I get angry with you for hurting me, I will get
the opposite of what I want. But let’s say you hurt me, and all you see
is that I am hurt. How will you feel about what you did to me? Sorry. Which is
exactly what I want.
Rule 7: Don’t tell on bullies. If you bother me, and I complain to your boss, will you like me and respect me? No. You’ll despise me. Instead
of complaining to your boss, I could be talking to you directly. You will respect
me much more if I deal with you to your face, without anger, than if I go over
your head.
Rule 8: Don’t be a sore loser. No one likes or respects a sore
loser. And no one wins all the time. If you defeat me, will you think more highly
of me if I go into a rage, or if I congratulate you? The latter, of course. So
acknowledge your losses; respect those who defeat you; and try to do better next
time.
How do these rules work in real life? Here’s an example. Let’s
say I have a crass boss, and he calls me into his office for the third time to
complain about the quality of my reports. If I will treat him like an enemy, I’ll
be angry, defensive, and critical. However, if I treat my boss like my friend,
I might first acknowledge that report writing isn’t my strong point and
thank him for the time he has spent showing me how to improve them. I might then
ask for another chance to learn how to improve my reports, perhaps by meeting
with a colleague who is great at writing reports.
Apply these rules and you will always come out the winner. People
will like you, respect you, and stop fighting with you. Life and work go much
better when you treat people like friends! PE
