Many people blame their disappointments in life on their parents
and childhood.
Tragically, many of us are made to suffer as children: beatings,
rapes, torture, neglect, abandonment, parental divorce and remarriage, siblings
or stepchildren to compete with, alcoholic or drug-addicted parent(s), parental
mental illness, browbeatings, parental insensitivity, psychological and emotional
assaults, parental affairs, family turmoil, molestations, violence, single parent
by choice or irresponsibility, and so forth. We may have been victims of self-centered,
evil, ignorant, or weak adults.
Sadly, many folks stay stuck in their childhood ugliness—for
decades, sometimes forever, angry, bitter, self-destructive, depressed, anxious,
or out of control. They become career victims—always unhappy, demanding,
a big chip on the shoulder, an attitude of entitlement, and a propensity for spreading
ill cheer. I’ve seen family and friends sacrifice for and cater to these
people, in the hope that they could heal them.
The question is, “What makes some people hold onto being a
victim—and what makes others choose to improve their lives?”
The answer is control. When you are a perpetual victim, the past
is in control of your present. Unfortunately, much of the popular view keeps people
in self-pitying, victim-mode mentality, robbing them of optimism, confidence,
hope, growth, and change.
The Good News
Here is the very good news: if your problem is what you do to
yourself, it means that you are the one with the power and the
control and the choice to make it be different.
You are not simply a product of your experiences. You are a product
of what you make of and do with those experiences. Having been a victim
as a child is involuntary. Continuing to be an adult victim is voluntary.
In fact, there is a straight-line connection between early childhood unhappiness
or trauma and the self-destructive decisions you are making today. You may not
realize that you are trying to repair yesterday by playing back that old home
movie with today’s characters, wondering, “Why does this keep happening
to me?”
When you’re a conqueror, the present is controlled by your
choices, in spite of the pain and pull of your past. Inspiring, isn’t it?
Yet it is so difficult for some people to make up their minds and follow through,
to become conquerors.
A good life after a bad childhood is not easy to create, but you
do have control over that. In a bad childhood, you struggle against external forces.
To come to a good life, you struggle against internal forces.
Most of us have gone through some of the steps in growing from a
bad childhood to the forgiveness that stimulates a good life: 1) shock and denial;
2) awareness and recognition that you have been abused, hurt, and offended; 3)
appropriate expression of feelings of hurt, grief, and anger; 4) validation of
your perspective with some form of justice; 5) a plan for minimizing opportunity
to be hurt again; and 6) letting go and moving on with your life.
I believe in forgiveness that involves you renouncing anger or resentment
against that person, but does not excuse or pardon them for their harmful actions,
nor does it require you to stay involved with them in any concrete way. Forgiveness
does not require forgetting the wrongs against you (or others); it should not
absolve them from their guilt, nor from the appropriate consequences, but it does
require you to move beyond certain emotions like humiliation, grief, resentment,
rage, and so forth. Your forgiveness is not for their sake, it is for yours—it
becomes a commitment to your own well-being. You cannot have a good life if your
mind and heart are dominated by negative emotions.
There is a way out of, or improving, every situation you find yourself
in; and those things that can’t be fixed can be endured, learned from, improved—and
never repeated. Some people may feel that they are fated to failure—or some
poor condition or compromised life. Those folks who feel this way are often scared
of change, growth, challenge, and taking risks that could lead to more
disappointments or failures. Those who feel “doomed” have often been
undermined early in life by poor or horrendous parenting, personal limitations,
bad experiences, and little or no support from someone they admire and respect.
Being a “loser” then becomes a safe, secure, comfortable habit—with
a million excuses and emotions to justify not trying anymore because “why
bother,” “who cares,” or “it won’t ever happen to
me.”
Other people become proactive and break out of abuse or poverty.
They have amazing grit, determination, will, guts and don’t take a “no”
from life as an acceptable answer. Others make a connection with someone who inspires
them, supports them, challenges them and gives them hope—God, a friend,
or social worker.
How can you thrive in spite of an unhappy childhood or poor parents?
Thriving has to do with making your life have meaning. And for your life
to have meaning, you must be directed outward. Victimhood, self-pity, self-destructiveness
are all selfish and won’t lead you toward joy. You can make the decision
to become the master of your emotions and fate instead of the slave to them.
You may be a late bloomer, but I believe that eventually you can
blossom (a word that suggests something natural—grounded in nature,
not nurture. I believe that every life has purpose, and you are responsible
to search that purpose and commit to it.
You will more fully see and achieve the purpose of your life when
you realize that happiness is not gained by getting—it is experienced by
being important to someone else, even a total stranger. Think not about what life
was or is supposed to give you—think more about what you could give someone
else from your gut, soul, hands, heart, and mind. There are children and adults
whose lives could be altered forever if you were to get out and help them.
Why care to change and grow? Why not settle for status quo? Because
your life should not be wasted in waiting to die, just because you’ve had
some bad luck or lousy experiences. Happiness and joy are an important part of
life. You are hurting and damaging the lives of other people (family, friends,
coworkers, neighbors and strangers you glare at). It isn’t all about you,
ever. Everything you do impacts the universe.
Even in a good life, bad things happen. How do you keep balance and
bearing? After a reasonable time of sour grapes, anger and hurt, you turn to loved
ones, to your faith, and your own gumption to get back into the fray.
Start Today
You can have a good life no matter how bad your childhood. It may
not be a perfect life. You may never have all aspects of your life filled with
serenity and success. While you may never choose to have children, you might volunteer
to comfort or care for children. Your fears of intimacy may preclude you from
becoming close to one person, so you might give of yourself by participating in
civic programs, religious missions, and so forth.
Engaging in activities and relationships that are related to but
not the ultimate goal, may get you there. You can move away from danger
and hurt and make progress.
Define for yourself what a good life means. A good life has to do
with what you do, what you mean to others, how you handle life’s normal
challenges, and how much you appreciate your blessings and opportunities. A good
life is not about feeling good all the time. A fireman rushing into a burning
building to save a child is not feeling good—he’s scared and worried
for that child, his family, and his life. Nonetheless, he runs in because a good
life comes from meaning something, not having everything. Be the fireman. PE
